"HILLARY TAKES BREAK FROM SENSES"

HATS OFF TO JEFF HAWKES OF LANCASTERONLINE.COM!!!

Hillary takes holiday from senses
By JEFF HAWKES, Staff

Hillary Clinton yesterday repeated her call for a summer-long gas tax holiday, but she's not stopping there.
Hoping for an upset victory in today's North Carolina primary, Clinton proposed a temporary repeal of the law of gravity.

"My proposal would lighten the load for the hardworking families of America," Clinton, who toured a pogo stick factory, said. "I have seen very personally the challenges patriotic, churchgoing, gun-toting Carolinians are facing in these troubled times.

"They've been knocked down by predatory mortgage lenders and greedy oil company executives, and I believe they deserve a little help getting back on their feet," said Clinton, adding that when she was first lady she pushed behind the scenes for a holiday on gravity, while Bill thought it was more important to reform welfare and balance the budget.

"If I had known then what I know now, I never would have gone along," she said.

HILLARY WEIGHS IN

Clinton said she would be ready on Day 1 to tackle gravity, in contrast to her opponent, who she accused of being out of touch with gullible voters and being in the pocket of the heavy-equipment industry.

"Shame on you, Barack Obama," Clinton said before she and daughter Chelsea illustrated an escape from gravity by boarding a balloon filled with hot air.

In a conference call with reporters, Clinton campaign communications chief Howard Wolfson said the senator's novel proposal demonstrates the lengths to which she will go to lift up the growing number of pudgy Americans weighed down by eight years of failed Bush-Cheney economic policies.

Later, returning to the White House from Camp David, President Bush responded to the criticism by telling reporters, "We're concerned about gravity inside our White House. Make no mistake about it."

He added, "Ben Franklin discovered gravity, and he did a heckuva job out in that storm. But if weapons of gravity get into the hands of our enemies, my answer to that is, bring them on."

An open letter signed by more than 100 physicists warned that a gravity holiday, even just a three-day weekend with no gravity, would likely do more harm than good.

"While it's true the suspension of gravity would reduce the number of falls among the elderly and eliminate the need for suspenders, we can anticipate tradeoffs," James Neutron, president of American Society of Physics, said. "Zero gravity, it can be shown, would be problematic for lumberjacks and Olympic divers."

Wolfson countered that physicists are elitists who hold conferences in San Francisco.

QUESTION DODGED

On "This Week With George Stephanopoulos," Clinton was asked to name a credible scientist who thinks a break from gravity is feasible, let alone responsible.

"Well, you know, George," Clinton responded, "I think we've been for the last seven years seeing a tremendous amount of government power and elite opinion basically behind policies that haven't worked well for the middle class and hardworking Americans. From the moment I started this campaign, I've said that I'm absolutely determined that we're going to provide health insurance for every American and obliterate Iran if I have to, because, as I proved in Pennsylvania, I'm harder to knock down than Rocky."

"But can you name a scientist who thinks this makes sense?" Stephanopoulos pressed.

"Well, I'll tell you what," Clinton said, "I'm not going to put my lot in with scientists, because I know if we get it right, if we actually did it right, we won't have a President Obama, who's not a Muslim, as far as I know, and, boy, will we have dodged a bullet, which I remember learning how to do in Bosnia."

E-mail: jhawkes@lnpnews.com